Sometimes I feel like a motherless child…scratch that- sometimes I feel Fatherless because that’s what I was, by design. My mother was on welfare, more like farewell; say farewell to having a man in the home, because he might make too much income (enough to exceed 10- 15% over the poverty level) and they’ll kick her out “the system”. Why should what she has be jeopordized for a relationship or situation-ship that’s not stable, she would later tell me. Besides, he owes her years of child support (even though he’s not even my biological father- tuh, he shouldn’t have put his name on the birth certificate). So here I am well into adulthood, experiencing the signs and symptoms of a being a grown-arse fatherless child.
I need an eye-witness to tell me how a man is supposed to love a woman on an everyday basis. How does Black Love overcome obstacles? Not got to bed angry? How does Love forgive? Television formed many of my ideologies. I’ve imagined a multitude of different television dads were mine. This conjunction of my imagination shaped my reality. I joined the Armed Forces, because the colonel from a Different World, that was my television Dad. That propelled me into a whole different world of misunderstanding even the simplest dynamics of men.
As a beautiful woman in the military, I never had a shortage of male suitors. Didn’t have a problem getting a man- I always had problems getting rid of them. My problem with them, unknowingly, was me. I recall one particular brother giving me a star out of the sky. He purchased a telescope, a Sky Atlas map and gifted me a certificate showing that he’d named it after me. Such a sweet soul. Similar to other sweet souls before and after him- I left him broke, broken hearted and dusty from being drug through the dirt. He didn’t understand why I did him so cold, after how he loved me unconditionally so. The logic behind it, I now know: Although he could fulfill my needs, he could not fulfill my emptiness. I didn’t know how to accept love and be the recipient of such a natural thing I had never experienced first-hand. I had a God-sized hole in my heart. That only my Father could fill. I didn’t truly need a eye- witness. I need to witness it for my self. What’s it like to have a Father?
Tune in to Walk the talk Radio with Queen of Hearts, as she discusses Fatherless Children and the effects thereof.
Til next time,